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... freelance this & that ... excellent at mediocrity ... sarcastic and opinionated ... oh, and I also play the ukulele.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Beware Them Lesbians!

In an era of sexual fluidity, gender confusion and role reversal, it’s become increasingly difficult to spot the gays in your midst. This guide will allow you to identify, categorize, and properly label lesbians and suspected lesbians around you. 

First, you must familiarize yourself with terms.

Lesbian or dyke – The most widely accepted definition of a lesbian is a woman who is romantically and sexually attracted to other women. The word lesbian can be used both as a noun and an adjective. Variations may include lez, lezzie, lezbo.
     The word dyke, while in the past was considered a homosexual slur and is laden with derogatory connotations, has now performed an almost complete one-eighty on itself. It is now commonly used with pride by LGBTs, most especially with the younger crowd. Ex: Dyke Night, Dykes on Bikes, etc. The word dyke is used both as a noun and an adjective. (**Warning**): A straight person who uses the word dyke might still be considered offensive by some. Especially if one uses it as a verb.

It is popularly perceived that there are 2 umbrella types of lesbians. The butch and the fem, (or femme).

• Butch – A lesbian who embodies more masculine traits; who noticeably has more masculine characteristics and mannerisms. Often accompanied with a buzz cut, plaid and flannel, baggy pants and bulky shoes, it’s no wonder the butch has earned the nickname “twenty-footer”, which simply means one knows she’s a lesbian from twenty feet away.

• Fem – Also spelled femme, a fem is a lesbian who is still distinguishably feminine; who dresses in feminine clothing and has feminine characteristics and mannerisms. A fem, more often than not, will hear the statement, “But you don’t look like a lesbian!”, or get the question, “Are you sure you’re a lesbian?”, and the dreaded, “You’re a lesbian? But you’re so pretty!

In the Ellen-Portia partnership, one might say Ellen is butch, Portia is fem. 

Still confused? Worry not. Butch and Fem are merely general types. There are more terms that get even more specific, and will compress the box even more.

• Stone butch – A stone butch is not simply the butchiest butch out there. Yes the butch traits are even more pronounced with the stone butch, but the major difference is, a stone butch derives pleasure from pleasing her partner sexually and does not like being touched genitally. A stone butch prefers, what one might call “one way sex”. Most of the time, stone butches pass for male without much difficulty or issue. Also sometimes referred to as bull dyke (but never to her face).

• Soft butch – A soft butch might appear to have more masculine traits at the onset, but quickly reveal an almost equal amount of femininity as well. She might wear feminine clothing but have masculine traits, or vice versa. A mannish walk in a really tight mini skirt, or a high, girly-girl voice in baggy jeans and a loose shirt. Vaguely put, a soft butch is east of butch, a little north of androgyny.

• Lipstick lesbian – Just up until about 2 decades ago, a lipstick lesbian was defined as a lesbian who didn’t dress in men’s clothing. Times they are a-changing, however. Today a lipstick lesbian is defined as a woman equipped with style, fashion, glamour and sophistication, and is only attracted to other women. In short, she is a woman wearing ‘fuck-me’ heels who only fucks other women.

• Blue jeans or Chapstick lesbian – A blue jeans, or Chapstick lesbian, is a lesbian who is still feminine, but prefers jeans and tees over skirts and stilettos. In the butch-femme spectrum, one might find Chapstick lesbians where androgyny meets femme.
(**Useless trivia**): The term Chapstick was coined by Ellen Degeneres on her daily talk show, as she responded to someone in her audience asking her if she was a lipstick lesbian.

• Stud – A stud might be considered the lesbian counterpart to a ‘playa’, with the “male” attributes of the word transferred onto her. Often armed with the sharpest and most sensitive of gaydars, a stud can detect even the faintest trace of bicuriosity, and turn that straight girl gay, if only for a few hours. Also referred to as a Turner.
     In other parts of this planet, however, stud may be defined as a dominant African-American lesbian. So, (**Warning**): Careful who you call stud when you travel.

• Futch or Stem – Literally ‘femme butch’ and ‘stud fem’, Futches and Stems prefer to be identified as both or neither butch and fem. These lesbians are part femme-part butch, neither butch nor fem, both masculine and feminine and neither, Here, There and Everywhere (The Beatles, 1966).

• Boi – A lesbian who adopts the look of a young, teenage boy. Still biologically female, a boi identifies more with her masculine side, and projects herself as a butchy young teenager. Boi is where butch would meet Chapstick to meet androgyny.

• Pillow Queen or Wife – This type of lesbian is only always ever at the receiving end of a sexual encounter. Though far from a passive lover, the Pillow Queen sees no need nor inclination to reciprocate cunnilingus, or be the “giver” when sex toys are involved.
A Wife actually resents being called a lesbian. According to her, she does not change roles, whether her partner be male or female.

• L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation) or The Non-Lesbian Lesbian (NLL) – The Non-Lesbian Lesbian is a woman who has sexual relationships with other women in what she calls her “experimental” stage. Usually this stage lasts all throughout college, hence the term L.U.G. Then, abruptly and without explanation, the NLL will go back to men, and “settle down” and get married.
     Also called the Pumpkin (i.e. reverts back to a pumpkin at midnight).

• Hasbian – The Hasbian, simply put, is a former lesbian. For whatever reason, the hasbian stops having romantic relationships with women and gets married, or goes back to dating men exclusively. She might, however, still identify lesbian once in a while. She denies nothing of her pink past, and would actually cringe at the thought of saying the word “experimental”.
     Excellent examples of hasbians are Angelina Jolie and Drew Barrymore.

Congratulations. You just learned the 10 different types of lesbians.

Here are a few more less-important-but-good-to-know terms.

• Barsexual – Bisexual or bicurious girls who get with other girls in public places, usually in alcohol-induced settings, for the sake of male entertainment.
• Baby Dyke or Dyke-in-Training – Self-explanatory. A lesbian, regardless of age, who has just come out of the closet.
• Lesbophile – Any person, straight, gay, male, or female, who is an aficionado of anything pertaining to lesbians or Sapphic love.
• Lesbian-Identified-Man – This is a male who insists he is a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. Should only be taken in small doses, and not too seriously.

You now know general labels, umbrella labels, sub labels, sea labels, altitude labels, flood labels, energy labels, etc., to properly identify a lesbian. Should you wish to capture one, here are a few more pointers that might help:

One sexual dalliance does not a lesbian make. And more important,
You cannot “turn” gay. You simply are or you aren’t.
The porn stars you watch in girl-on-girl scenes are not lesbians. They are merely actors who thoroughly enjoy their jobs.
Lesbians do not want to be men.
Lesbians are not man-haters.
Lesbians do not have penis envy.
Lesbians are not lesbians just so you can watch.

On a last note, did you ever realize STRAP ON spelled backwards is NO PARTS?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

F*ck You (ukulele cover)

The weirdest conversation I've ever had

This exchange took place on the set of a soap opera shoot, with a random guy from the crew; who I believe was only trying to be friendly, and only had good intentions striking up this convo. While refreshing my lines, waiting for my cue to enter frame,

CREW GUY:  Ma'am kilala nyo po si Elaine? Taga Cathay Pacific?
ME:  Elaine? (thinking hard if I actually knew anyone from Cathay Pacific)
CREW GUY:  Oo ma'am. Matangkad po, mga 5'7". Maganda tsaka sexy.

(wow. hindi ko ba talaga kilala 'to?)

ME:  Parang hindi po, Kuya. Wala yata ako kilalang taga Cathay.
CREW GUY:  Ah, 'kala ko kasi kilala nyo siya.
ME: (smiling, but still completely confused)
CREW GUY:  Kasi ma'am ka-uri nyo po siya e ... Tomboy din.

(Ah! The mystery is solved!)

ME:  (still smiling) Ay naku. Sorry po, Kuya. Hindi ko pa po kasi nakukuha yung bagong directory naming mga lesbyana.
CREW GUY:  (still clueless) Ah ganun ba, ma'am...

Sana makuha ko na yung updated lesbian directory ko. Kasi parang ang yummy ng description ni Kuya kay Elaine.